I think I’m overly attached to people. I think I feel things really deeply and when I find something good, I will do everything to take care of it because I have experienced a lot of bad. Sometimes I hold on a little too tight and if I need to completely let go, it breaks my heart because once I am close to someone, I will never truly let go without the memories surfacing once in a while. My depth of feelception (new word) is extremely massive and I’ve come to realize while it can be really beautiful, I really don’t like it sometimes.
Have you ever struggled with this? Feeling too much? Is that even a thing, because it sounds ridiculous. It’s accurate for me though, I have these moments where I feel things far too much. I’ll give you an example. I had a really good friend my freshman year of college. We got really close and had these heart to hearts that made us bond over a lot of similar experiences and trust each other.
Long story short, we had a falling out.
This is when I realized my super hero powers did not work on friendship. I tried keeping in contact with that one good friend I had, invited her to meet up to no prevail. I said that if she told me the time and place, I’d be there because I wanted to fix our friendship. She said she would text me asap. She didn’t.
And after all that trying, I stopped. I felt really hurt by it.
I still feel that stab of pain. This happened months ago and it still makes me feel betrayed when she pops up in my world. To me, losing a friend that was really close to me is like having a piece of yourself break off. I trusted her with a lot of my life stories and put a lot of time into building a friendship with her and when something like that isn’t reciprocated, it hurts. It sounds like we broke up, which I guess, we kind of did.
In other words, I felt this way deeper than a lot of people I know would have.
They would have been like, fine, I don’t care and I will get a new friend who values me. Of course, I knew I didn’t need a friend who wasn’t interested in being a part of my life anymore but it sure made me feel like I wasn’t all that special or important. Looking back, that’s not what I should have been feeling.
I have learned so much about myself and one thing that really surfaced was how insecure I was in a lot of my relationships. I usually think that when something goes wrong, it’s because of me. It’s because I’m not good enough or special enough or worth enough time to be a part of someone’s life. That’s really hard to say because it is really a summary of how I have felt through way too many relationships I have or have had in my life.
It’s almost embarrassing to say that this is how I have worked for the past 20 years and I didn’t even know it was one of my downfalls until a few days ago.
It’s really frustrating when I take a look back at these times because that’s not something I want to continue to feel about myself and it will only cause more insecurity in the future.
Since I have recognized this, I have started to give myself a lot of pep talks. Something along the lines of you can’t control how others interact with you but you can control how you interact with others. If someone isn’t a positive person in your life, you need to let go. It’s not your fault, it might not even be their fault, but it just so happens that friendships come and go and you’re probably better off without each other.
This doesn’t mean you are unimportant because you are. Whether people recognize it or not, you are very important to quite a few people out there. But sometimes, it’s just best to let go of a poisonous flower rather than to keep staring at it’s potential beauty. If someone doesn’t recognize your value and can’t reciprocate your friendship, it’s time to make a change and sever those ties.
Why? Because we all deserve an empowerment squad that surrounds us on a daily basis. It doesn’t mean that those people we let go are not special or worthy, it just means that they don’t mix well with what we want to conquer in our lives. That’s a hard realization, but it’s an important one. One that I am working on every minute.
I figured out that there is only so much I can do. Instead of feeling as deeply as I do and coming out disappointed, I need to change my mindset. I need to realize that I have worked hard at something and sometimes that isn’t enough. In the world, people will come and go but the people who stay will be those who share a mutual respect and compassion with you. I need to work on forgiving those who wronged me and feeling okay with letting go of people who aren’t lifting me up.
Most importantly, I need to cherish and love the ones who do this for me. Instead of dwelling on the friendship failures, I will begin dwelling on the beautiful people who have gotten to mean so much to me over the past 20 years.
This is a lot of deep thinking for a Monday, but the gray skies made me go into a very rich state of mind this morning. This was really deep and personal, but I know I’m not the only one who experiences these emotions. Thank you kindly for reading today and I hope to hear your thoughts.
Anna Marie ❤
P.S. When I say relationships, I don’t mean between my man and I, I mean all relationships in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances, the whole shebang. 🙂