Independence to Commitment

I consider myself a strong person. I have fought battles I wouldn’t wish on the crappiest people and overcome struggles someone my age shouldn’t have had to fight.

This has lead me to be quite independent. As soon as I turned 18, I have done everything in my power to be completely independent from my parents. I have supported myself through college on a budget I stick to. I have started traveling the world with money I have scraped together from working part-time jobs just above minimum wage.

So yes, I am a strong and independent woman who has grown and continues to spring from the earth below my feet. 

And I will always be that person.

The type of person I am can really attract all sorts of men into my life but I have noticed that when I am in a relationship, I get complimented for my strength and independence in my life.

But see, when I am in a relationship, this gets tricky. Independence… to commitment.

The independence and strength does not disappear by any means but I go through a process that is just a part of myself I cannot change.

I usually go through the stage of fear of letting myself fall for this person but once I trust them with my heart, I’m all in.

If I realize you are someone I could potentially see waking up next to for the next 60 years, I am yours. I am there for you when you need me, I am your best friend, I am your #1 supporter and I will give my all to you. I will give you all of my heart and every single cell in my body will love you. I will fight for you. I will give you what you need and work through anything.

This is where I feel like something goes wrong.

I get so committed to a relationship that the other party either gets freaked out by how committed I am or doesn’t know if they want what I want. It’s not like I don’t have these fears as well but I know they’re normal and that I can work through what they mean.

So if I see this lucky guy in my future, I am 100% ready to be in a fully committed place.

Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? Please, someone tell me if that’s wrong. But aren’t you SUPPOSED to, once you realize they are someone you could marry, commit to them fully and understand that it is a choice you are making to be with them? I don’t care if it’s scary or if you have questioned it. If that person makes you happy and you make them happy, isn’t that a good choice to say YES I like you, I want to work to be yours for a long time?

Because I’m starting to feel like there is something wrong with me when I KNOW I am perfectly unbroken. 

I feel like I give and love someone too much in a relationship. I’m not clingy by any means, I love my own time, but I go above and beyond sometimes to be what I feel a good girlfriend should be. I don’t lose myself, I don’t go overboard, I don’t mistreat my own needs… I just try and be the best I can possibly be.

I hate feeling like this is wrong… but I do. I feel like it’s wrong. Like committing that much of yourself is a bad trait now? Loving too much, giving too much… that’s just not what you’re supposed to do in this day in age is it? I don’t know.

In this day and age, commitment is not what it used to be. We date casually and have friends with benefits but it is so rare to see two people actually stick it out for the long run because they love each other and want to work through rough patches.

I’m mad about it. Why should I feel like I am doing something wrong when I swear this is what you should be doing in a relationship? I shouldn’t and it makes me angry. I shouldn’t feel like the one who screwed up but it just makes me feel even worse to know I literally did everything I was supposed to do and it STILL wasn’t right.

In all honesty, I will never stop committing to someone 100% in a relationship because the universe knows I damn well deserve someone who will do the same. Right? Right.

Let’s pause and say quickly, I know not every relationship is meant to be. However, a lot of relationships end when it gets too hard and that is from lack of commitment.

Being a strong, independent person when I’m single and then going to a place where I would do anything for someone sometimes makes me feel weak and much too dependent. The thing is, I don’t lose that strength and independence in a relationship, I just have to find the balance between co-dependence and reliability. Sometimes the balance is off kilter but in a relationship, you fight to find the balance.

We all deserve someone who reciprocates the love we give. It may not always be balanced exactly, but if you two choose to stick it out, you can figure out which makes each side a little too heavy to even out.

I’m independent and strong and shouldn’t feel week for giving 100% commitment to another person. 

Neither should you.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

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