We Need To Stop The “No Expectations” Advice

“If you don’t expect anything, you won’t get hurt.”

You also won’t work for anything either. You won’t try but I guess you also won’t fail.

I understand what this “no expectations” outbreak is going for… don’t expect too much because you’ll put yourself in a situation that may make you unhappy. You may be far too demanding of those around you and constantly put yourself in a position to disappoint your own wishes. I get that, but NO expectations?

Don’t tell young people of this age that we should have NO expectations in life. There is SO many great expectations that we can hold that push us further and make us work hard.I have expectations for a lot of things. I’m human and believe that we should carry expectations for ourselves.

For example:

Relationships. We should expect to be treated with respect. If we don’t expect that, we can easily become a doormat. I don’t think anyone likes feeling that way. We should expect someone to care about us and show it because it’s what we need to share a happy relationship (at least for some of us). If we don’t expect to be cared about then what the heck do we even date for? You might as well marry a rock. Or a log. I don’t know. I don’t expect strangers to care about me and I can’t have you on the same plane as them.

We can expect to be loved. Isn’t that what you get into a relationship for? If I don’t expect you to love me then I probably don’t care about you at all. I expect you to work through problems with me because that is what you’re supposed to do in a relationship (in my eyes). If I don’t expect that, we will hold grudges or resent each other until we are such a dysfunctional couple we aren’t happy anymore.

When it goes too far… I don’t expect flowers or to be showered with gifts. I just expect some type of effort because that’s what I believe a relationship needs. I don’t expect us to never fight. I don’t expect you to be perfect or for either of us to always be right. I just want your love.

Career. We can expect to get a degree if we work hard and follow the guidelines to earn one. I wouldn’t be in college if I didn’t expect to get a degree at the end of it all. We expect to get hired eventually doing something we love because we will have earned a higher education to do so and have worked our butts off to get the special requirements needed.

When it goes too far… I won’t expect to get a raise because I think I deserve it. I won’t expect to get promoted if there are other great candidates around me. I won’t expect to work my way up easily.

Friendships. We can expect honesty. We can expect to be there for one another. We can expect to ask each other to hang out and put some effort in.

When it goes too far… I don’t expect me to be your best friend or your only friend. I don’t expect us to always be free or super close to each other.

It really makes me upset to see so many people say they just won’t expect anything anymore. You should have standards set for your goals and what you want out of life. Just don’t get carried away. That’s why quotes like this get popularized. Don’t expect TOO MUCH but please, for the love of all that is good and pure, expect something out of the world around you.

Until next time,

Anna Marie

Advertisements

Traveling Cheap: It’s About Who You Know

As a poor college student who works part-time and just above minimum wage, I’ve been asked by several people how the heck I can afford to travel.

It’s about brains… and hugely based off of who you know.

I’m not talking about befriending the son of the man who built the Hilton Hotels so you can get a special deal or marrying the woman who can get you free airfare.

It’s about friends, family and simply asking to stay with them. Out of the travels I have been on so far, exactly half have been with friends or family. This cuts down the price significantly because I didn’t have to pay for hotels or nearly as much food. Just transportation and souvenirs. The BEST part? I get to rekindle family love.

Hiking with my cousin throughout the beautiful California land.

So I took off on a road-trip with my cousin a few years ago. Just a few months ago I asked if I could visit my cousin in California who was more than happy to pick me up from the airport and let me stay with her. Now, I am currently in Germany with extended family who is from here and able to stay with them for an entire month, no charge.

Now, don’t be thinking I’m only visiting these places to travel. To be able to grow close with family that has moved across the country is THE biggest perk of this idea.  I’ve dreamed of this trip to Germany since I was a little girl and was so blown away by the love and kindness we received as soon as we landed here. (This is for another post altogether! 😉 )

Visiting family world wide has helped me grow as a traveler and as a person. It’s always scary to ask an extended family member if you can stay with them if you aren’t too close but trust me, they will almost always say yes. They will enjoy your company and appreciate the time you spend visiting.

Start making a list of the people you know in places you’d love to see. Not even that, just make a list of family who’s moved far away and who you miss quite dearly. Next, ask them if you can make a journey out there and here is where your adventure begins.

Whether friends, acquaintances or friends of friends, it never hurts to ask. The best case is you save money and make a new friend, the worst is that they say no.

Take advantage of those who are living elsewhere and invite them to take advantage of you. The more people you meet, the better chance that you will find someone through connections that can help you save a little bit on your next trip.

Start your engines and begin planning,

Anna Marie

What I Learned From Being Dumped

Yeah, the title is as embarrassing as I feel writing this post but it’s been on my mind for a while and I’m just going to embrace what I went through.

QUICKLY: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t in anyway an attack to the person who I dated because I will always stand behind the fact that he is a great guy. I don’t have any bad feelings toward him or what happened. However, he did hurt me and I’m a writer who writes about what I’ve gone through.  

So here’s what I learned from someone ripping my heart out of my chest and then throwing it in the grass and running it over with a lawn mower. (Dramatic metaphor or passive aggressive? Haha)

1. The reason a relationship ends will sometimes never be good enough. We can hear the reason 25 times and it still doesn’t make sense to us. However, we decided to stop trying to figure it out at some point. There comes a point when you decide it doesn’t even deserve the amount of thought you’ve done trying to analyze what it could possibly mean and so we accept that we will never get that kind of closure.

2. You’ll always have questions and something to say. If you get the chance to cool off and talk with them, you’re only going to arise 33 more questions and 21 more soliloquies in your head. It’s a never ending cycle. You’ll always want to say one last thing and ask one more question. Soon enough, those will start dying down in your head.

3. You stay in love with the memories you had of that person, not the person actually standing in front of you. This was so important to learn. We constantly play the highlight reel in our head. We playback all of the happy memories we had and we still look at this person as the one who gave us so much happiness and joy. That’s not true anymore. The person in front of you now is so very different. They aren’t choosing you anymore and as excruciating as it is to read… they don’t want you. Is that really the kind of person you want to be with down the road? Is it? Of course not.

4. In most cases, the person who dumped you didn’t want to cause you all of the pain you have had to endure. I know in my case, this was the honest truth. It wasn’t easy for him to see me so torn apart and believe me, it was horrible to be so torn apart in front of him. If someone truly loved us- they would never want to see you in that much pain. So there comes a point when you realize they never wanted to hurt you but decided to because it was in their best interest (and who knows, maybe yours too). This sounds harsh because it is but believe me the one who dumped you didn’t get off too easy themselves. I don’t really know what it’s like on the other side, but they didn’t fake the entire relationship and have some healing to do as well.

5. You lose so much more than a boyfriend. I was more upset that I lost my best friend more than anything. I hated that I didn’t have my favorite someone to go on walks with, out to eat with, home with and adventure with. My most trusted partner in crime became my hearts biggest enemy in a matter of five minutes and that has been the hardest part to deal with.

You lose so much more than just your boyfriend, you lose his family. I don’t know if you loved/hated them but it’s so much worse when you feel like you found a home where he calls home. You created memories, jokes and plans with them and the most unfair part of a break up is you can’t say goodbye to people that never had a say in the matter. You just have to be sad and close all of the doors yourself. It’s all just so difficult.

6. Relationships REQUIRE two people to fight for each other. There is no such thing as an easy relationship… to a point. Those of us who are fighters will never understand how someone can just give up. At first, a relationship is so easy. You’re in love and they’re perfect and it’s not until the honeymoon phase fades that you realize you are actually required to work for a great relationship.

Simply put, some people just are not ready. Maybe “not ready” is what scared people say. Honestly, they will never be ready. No one is ever ready for anything. We’ll always be scared. You just do and you make it happen if you believe in what you have. If you aren’t leaving your comfort zone, you’ll never see how great something can be.

Then again, timing can be important. Maybe you’re on different paths or in different points in your life and it’s important to recognize that.

7. You will always have these insane notions (for a while) that they will turn around, realize how incredibly amazing you are (which you ARE) and decide they want to fight for love now. I don’t know when these daydreams will stop happening but I still have them if I’m being completely honest. This is the part that kills us. HOPE. The whole “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”. Kind of true but I believe someone has to decide that they want it to happen and then they set it in motion.

We wonder if that was the last time you will ever see them again or if you’ll ever bump into each other down the road and maybe even rekindle a love that is willing and timely. We still imagine them in our future because it is a dream we had for so long that we didn’t even choose to end. We even say to each other “see you later” because it’s easier than saying goodbye to someone who was a big part of your life for a while.

John Green says it perfectly in “Paper Towns”.

It is saying these things that keeps us from falling apart. And maybe by imagining these futures we can make them real, and maybe not, but either way we must imagine them. I stand in the parking lot… and here is this girl I love and cannot follow. I hope this is the hero’s errand because not following her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I keep thinking she will get in the car, but she doesn’t, and she finally turns around to me and I see her soaked eyes. The physical space between us evaporates. After we kiss, our foreheads touch as we stare at each other. Yes, I can see her almost perfectly in this cracked darkness. 

We want so badly to hold on to those final moments so we can let go of the person attached to them.

8. There’s not an expiration date on pain. We feel so many emotions: pain, rejection, hope, excitement, relief, guilt, etc. That sometimes all we feel is absolutely nothing. Numbed by an overwhelming amount of emotion. For every person it takes a different amount of time. Just know that as long as you’re pushing yourself to move forward, you can take as long as you need.

9. I learned what it was like to be in love. We know what love is (maybe) and I know I was in it. I loved so much, felt so deeply and cared so passionately about another human being. I can’t imagine what it will feel like when someone is ready to feel that way about me, regardless of fear and hesitations. I found a love that could have lasted a lifetime and I hope to fall in love with another best friend. I am so incredibly hopeful for the future.

10. You slowly move on, but you DO move on. I never thought I could confidently say that. We will always be touchy about the subject but what are we supposed to do? Dwell every day and never open up again? No. I will open my heart bigger and better than before. I’ve moved forward and am becoming a much stronger person after it all.

I almost wish I could say a huge thank you for the person I became because of him. I had an incredible journey that pushed me to be a person I’m really starting to like. I just wish I didn’t have to go through so much pain to get here. We all want love so bad, that we put ourselves through hell just in the hopes that one day it will all be worth it. For now, we just have to leave everything behind.

It is so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world. –John Green

I sure hope so Mr. Green. I really do.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie