Unsteady Dating Habits of This Generation

I’m lost in a generation that doesn’t fit my dreams. I’m settling for a scene that produces heart break and casual love.

I’m not a casual love kind of girl.

I’m not a casual fling, a one night stand or a buddy you can call when it’s convenient.

I’m not a waste of fear like half of the people around me seem to be.

They’re afraid.

Afraid of commitment, afraid of fighting, even afraid of talking to someone they find remotely interesting.

Why is that so terrifying to us now?

Why is there a timeline of love?

My grandparents dated for 6 months before getting engaged and were married shortly after.

Why does this fear of interaction keep us from committing to one person?

It may be this generation’s way of dating, but it’s not mine.

I’ll stay hopeful for the ones out there who feel the way I do about love.

It should be fought for, worked for and approached with confidence.

You should be able to go up to someone and talk with them because you want to get to know them, not because you’ll be seen as overbearing or needy.

What is the point of playing hard to get? What is the point of a chase?

Life isn’t a game and I refuse to treat it like one.

I’m a playful person but this is serious to me and I’ll treat it as so.

I’m looking for something… MORE.

More than timed texts and waiting three days to call.

I’m looking for electricity.

I’ve seen sparks in people and I know what it is that makes me glow.

It’s going to be tough to wait for someone who wants the same kind of love I do, but it will be worth it.

And it will inspire.

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

 

 

Sand Dollars and Solace

California came two weeks after a miserable break up.

I was devastated, heartbroken and exhausted.

Nothing was fitting clearly in my mind between the constant flow of excuses and reasons creeping in the corners of my brain and I was ready to jump in the ocean and let the waves carry me wherever they thought I should go.

IMG_6203IMG_6200I would drive to the ocean and walk the coast for miles, humming songs that filled my heart and dancing if only to leave beautifully intricate patterns in the sand.

Wind whipped my hair constantly and the waves would crash around my ankles as I hopped frantically out of the freezing water.

As I walked the beach, I would find pieces of broken shells everywhere. Soon, I found cracked sand dollars every few steps. The farther I would go, the more whole the sand dollars would become.

But I couldn’t find one that was whole.

Ironic,  I thought to myself, the broken girl stumbles across all of the chipped and cracked sand dollars, never finding a whole one because she’ll never feel that way again.

On one of my last trips to the beach, I remember sitting in the sand, digging my toes as far as I could into the earth and covering my legs until a mini sand castle kept me warm.

I ran my hands through patterns upon patterns, the sand felt so good running through my fingers.

I came across this sand dollar that was 90% whole and I held it in my hands. I spoke aloud to the universe and I said “If I can find one whole sand dollar, please let that be a sign that everything is going to be okay.”

I can’t tell you how stupid I felt saying this to the ocean. However, I had complete confidence in those words and so I said them aloud a few more times, begging for the universe to show me that eventually I would be okay.

I walked for miles down the shore and found one more sand dollar that was not quite whole and I smiled. Maybe this was it. A sign that even though this sand dollar was chipped, it was beautiful. I told myself that this is what I would find.

Still, I kept walking along the ocean.

Not even a minute later, I spotted another white circle buried in waves.

I remember this moment clear as day.

I gasped and ran to it, gently lifting it from the wet sand and washing it in the next crest that came to shore.

It was whole.

IMG_6230The happiness that swelled inside me brought tears to my eyes and I remember laughing by myself in the middle of the beach with the ocean right by my side.

That’s it, I thought,  I will be whole again. 

And it’s so strange that I needed the universe to tell me that I would be okay, but it did. Every trip to the beach after that never led me to another whole sand dollar.

It was my sign.

And maybe I made the entire coincidence up in my head in order to find the fight within me that I needed to heal.

But it worked.

I still have that sand dollar in my room, telling me that feeling whole is a process. I kept the broken one too if only to remind me that imperfection is still beautiful.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Impressing Women: Matured Adult Version

Do you want to know how to impress me?

Show me your mind. 

Tell me stories of your favorite places and why you love the music you do.

Share with me fears that drive you or keep you at bay.

Tell me what you think about religion and politics.

I want to see your eyes when you talk about what you believe in.

Tell me your biggest dreams.

Do you want to skydive over the ocean?

What brings the biggest smile to your face?

Share with me a piece of you that is beyond favorite colors. 

Tell me why the color blue resonates with you.

Is it the ocean? Is it your favorite football team?

You’re more than just your age.

Tell me how many struggles you’ve faced to make it that many years. 

Explain how your zodiac sign predicts your future and why your parents named you what they did.

Laugh with me about the memories you’ve created.

Cry with me about the hardest roadblocks you’ve had to overcome.

Have a conversation with me that is more than just asking about my major. Ask me WHY I chose it.

Do you believe in ghosts or heaven?

Tell me WHY you wish you could have the super power of invisibility.

Give me reasons to get excited. 

Share your passion with me.

Impress me with your depth of mind.

Make me THINK.

Don’t be afraid to dive into topics that show me how your mind works.

This is so much more impressive than a six pack or sculpted arms.

A great conversation is worth so much more than money or good looks.

It is a window into what makes you who you are and THAT is what I’m interested in.

I care more about the person you are then about the clothes you wear or the neighborhood you’re from.

Most importantly, I want to know WHY you became that person.

I want you to wonder the same thing about me.

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

What You Should Love

I have to brighten up a post- they’re all pretty dark lately (healing slowly).

So here are 21 things that I absolutely love.

  1. The results of a photograph after all of the constant editing and nitpicking. Like this one pictured in my post. 🙂 DSC_0131_Fotor
  2. My bed. It’s so incredibly comfortable.
  3. How excited a dog is to see  you when it’s been ages since you were last reunited.
  4. Any exotic chocolate.
  5. A raw conversation.
  6. Words that twist your mind and make you physically feel something.
  7. Traveling to a place you’ve never been.
  8. The ocean, the smell, the sound, the waves swirling around your toes.
  9. The warmth of the sun that causes your hair to stand on end.
  10. Hugging someone who is just a great hugger.
  11. The look of excitement someone gets when they talk about their passion.
  12. The first sip of coffee in the morning.
  13. When you cause genuine laughter that is uncontrollable.
  14. When a stranger or friend compliments anything about you kindly and respectfully.
  15. Watching someone let loose and thoroughly embrace their weird, fun side.
  16. The warmth of the fluffiest blankets in the world.
  17. Hugging your mom, dad, grandma or grandpa after not seeing them for a long time.
  18. Watching your favorite show on Netflix after a long day.
  19. Witnessing two elderly people still madly in love.
  20. Spraying whipped cream directly from the can into your mouth.
  21. Waking up on a Sunday morning with the whole day ahead of you.

I loved making this list more than you will ever know and so I am telling you to make your own. Reminding yourself of what you love in every day routine is so important to becoming inspired by the ordinary details.

I am only going to carry this positivity with me as I move forward.

Thank you for your constant support,

Anna Marie

At Least I Had Love Letters To Rip Through

I’ve had a hard time finding time to write on this blog and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lost a bit of inspiration or if it really is because senior year is wrestling me to the ground. Either way, a new commitment (mentally and now electronically) has been made to bring back the effort to this site.

I wrote this at 1 am last night while laying in bed.

I have found that writing through my emotions and pain (however long and grueling a process this is) has been the best way to deal with what I go through. It’s kind of insane how I can feel so incredibly content until I am exhausted at home from the day and have to sort through this mess of whatever I’m feeling.

Sometimes I get jealous of those who aren’t emotional at all.

Then again, they probably wouldn’t write anything like this…

I ripped through your words tonight.

I was waiting to burn them but I couldn’t wait anymore. 

I ripped every picture and bribed my heart.

I told it that if I could make it through this moment without a single tear that I was stronger than I thought.

And I didn’t cry.

I wanted to. I wanted to read every word one more time and then hide them in a corner just to know that I wasn’t dreaming what I thought I had. 

But I ripped through them instead because I knew that I wanted love back, not you.

I ripped through diaries and stories and I love yous gone to hell.

I ripped through ticket stubs and anniversary cards and I took them straight to the dumpster in the pouring rain. 

But you know what? At least I know what it’s like to have love letters. 

But I don’t ever want to know what they said anymore.

And as I walked back up the stairs to my apartment door, damp from the rain, my head became light and I fell onto my bed.

For a night, I could finally breathe. 

And if you see me as weak, pathetic-you name it. I am far from every single one of those words.

I am worth more than dead poetry and used to bes.

I am more than false hope and biased memories. 

Last night, before I ripped through the past, I reached the end of my rope.

I want you to know I felt so awful, I would have done anything to get the crushing weight on my chest flown off of me. 

But I couldn’t think of  a single thing. 

It was crushing and suffocating.

Until I ripped through those memories. 

Every single rip rang in my ears and put something back together.

Every tear of another page made my heart ice over the searing heat that had left me so angry.

Tonight- I felt something that I haven’t felt in a really long time. 

Not closure, not a heart beating anew, not healing… I felt myself inch forward.

A fraction of an inch that I took so proudly that I can’t bear to tell you how destroyed I had to be to get here. 

These tiny inches are battles that I am fighting every single day and to tell you that I’m okay or that everything happened like it was supposed to would be a lie. 

Every day, every hour feels different. 

But my god, that fraction of an inch felt so good. 

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

Laying All My Secrets Bare

Sometimes inspiration is taking what you feel angry about and fighting against it.

Well, I’m not fighting today. I’m taking all of this accumulating anger and pushing them into words.

This is about recognizing what you’re feeling.

Then it’s having the balls to write about it.

I Hope You Know

I hate admitting that I still think about you.

I hate it. 

I have never been more angry with myself or with another person.

I have never expected more from a human being who has let me down.

You make me angry.

It’s crazy how quickly my anger dissolves when I try to confront someone.

It’s like I have two people sharing my body and the nice one always overrules the mean one.

My words come out kinder and where I want to say “you are awful for what you did to me” I say “it’s okay”. 

But it’s not okay.

It was never okay.

I need a formula to tell me how much time passes before you don’t cross my mind every day. 

I need a million dollars to pay off my University so I can finally leave these towns and these memories.

I need a plane ticket to the next town out of here.

Because I am sick of being the girl who can’t stand up for herself for fear of being mean.

I’m sick of fighting for people that fight way too hard to be let go by me. 

Some people deserve to feel your anger.

You, especially, deserve to feel my anger.

Because I have never felt more rage than I have had within me. 

And as badly as I want to march to your door, punch you square in the jaw, force you to apologize and walk away, I somehow control every heart-wrenching emotion and I fight it every single day because I tell myself that it’s not worth it.

It wouldn’t change anything.

It sure as hell won’t make me a better person.

It sure as hell won’t make you snap out of it.

It sure as hell won’t give me any answers.

And that’s the worst part.

Knowing the cowardice behind fake answers and I don’t knows.

Because you do know.

And  it’s not worth my time anymore.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

And I’ll keep thinking about it until enough days pass that the bitterness fades or I just get used to it being a familiar friend.

No one will ever understand the strength it takes to write about pain and what you’re feeling. It’s terrifying and vulnerable. But I found that vulnerability only hurts when you don’t use it. Vulnerability is beautiful and that’s why I write about what hurts. I have decided to be a completely open book in these next few posts. Honesty is beautiful.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s okay to be utterly defeated but still feel happiness.

It’s okay to want something you can’t have but appreciate all that you do.

It’s okay to miss someone even if you’re surrounded by so many incredible people.

It’s okay to not be okay.

If you feel anger, push it into a place that will fuel you.

If you feel sadness, cry until your tears float you a little closer to the sky.

If you feel abandoned, hug yourself with warm blankets and tea or let someone else do it for a change.

It’s okay to not be okay.

When you want love, know it arrives and leaves exactly when it’s supposed to.

When you want happiness, know that it starts with the way you view the world.

When you want success, know how hard you must fight to make it yours.

It’s okay to feel a little disappointed.

It’s okay to feel lost.

But when you decide to stop cringing from your safe place in a ball on the ground, stand up.

Find what you love to do and do it with passion.

It’s okay to not be okay but it is NOT okay to let it consume you.

Surround yourself with people who love you and love them fiercely.

Go on an adventure even if you don’t feel like it because you know the memories will be worth it.

Laugh as much as possible and daydream about where you are headed.

You can do these things even if you don’t feel okay.

You can experience happiness and still not feel okay.

It’s a process of growing.

It’s a process of becoming something utterly new and that IS okay.

Take your life day by day because that’s really all we can handle in 24 hours.

Plans change daily, futures are made up on the spot and dreams just keep getting bigger.

Chase down what you want and make it yours.

It’s never too late to start again.

We do it every morning.

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

Dear Allie

“I’ve never gotten a real love letter, I’ve always written them.”

Every girl deserves a love letter, Allie. Especially you.

Dear Allie,

It’s not fair is it? That someone has never taken the time to sit down and write, carefully and thoughtfully, about how special you are. It isn’t fair at all and so here it is, your very first love letter. It’s not from someone who is in love with you or will ask for your hand in marriage but it’s from someone who considers you such a close friend and THAT says more than a boyfriend ever will.

I know every struggle, every tear, every shred of doubt you’ve faced and I plan to stick by your side for whatever comes in the future- just like you’ve done for me.

You have this light that cannot be described. When you walk into a room- your energy ignites warmth. It is kind, creative and filled with passion. You feel and love so deeply, Allie. Never stop opening your heart to people in this way. It is a strength that is learned and a fear so many people never challenge.

The way you embrace someone is inspiring. It is fierce and all at once. It is full and intricate. You see someone through their love for what makes them happy. You take that and you fuel them to become something beautiful. You stand by their side as if to never complete them, only to hold their hand if they start shaking.

That is beautiful.

And I know it’s left you broken.

Because sometimes people don’t know how to handle those whose passion is simply life.

But don’t you dare stop loving everything you do. Your art, your poetry and your creativity deserve the crazy fire you put into it. It spreads inspiration and cultivates the fire in others.

Your flame doesn’t go out by lighting others, you only create more light.

Never stop sharing your light, Allie.

Love,

Anna Marie

Manic Mondays and Love

I wasn’t able to sit down and write today. There is something about being a college student, an employee, a business owner, a friend and a daughter that consumes my life and so today I wanted to share something with you that gave me inspiration.

It is a video about love and who love is.

It’s beautiful and it made me think quite a bit.

Enjoy. ❤

When Love Arrives

No One Knows What’s Going On

Can I be honest with you?

No one knows what they’re doing.

No one has a plan for every single thing in their life.

If they do? I can guarantee you something will lead them astray.

We live day by day, putting our feet in front of the other if only to make it to tomorrow.

Some days we make giant leaps in becoming the exact kind of human we want to be.

Be the human you needed when you were younger.

Our choices need to be selfless yet selfish. Don’t you ever do to someone what you wouldn’t want done to you.

Didn’t we all learn that in 5th grade?

Why is it so hard to get to know someone now-a-days?

Why are walls built so high?

How do we trust people anymore?

In a world filled with selfishness, who decides to be selfless?

It’s not a demand and it sure as hell isn’t easy.

It makes it a little bit easier on those around you,

but a little bit harder on yourself.

You see, when you decide to be selfless, you decide to do for others what people haven’t done for you.

You decide to care deeply about strangers just because their struggles are different and comparing battles never gave you strength.

You stop looking at yourself as an image and start to know yourself as a person.

Don’t we all just want to be seen as people?

Weren’t we told to never judge a book by its cover?

People see a future only by looking at the surface of someone and that’s why things fail.

People don’t care anymore.

They’re too involved in who’s on Facebook and who snapchatted them today.

But if we could just sit down and get to know someone face to face, I bet you’d see them a lot differently.

I bet you’d stop thinking about selfies and instagram captions and start wondering about their journey and how they became who they are today.

If we would all just stop for one second and really look at the world around us, I think we’d be surprised.

I want to see genuineness, kindness and compassion.

Because right now, when I do see that, it seems like an amazing ordeal and the truth is it shouldn’t be.

Holding the door for someone shouldn’t be out of the ordinary.

Complimenting at least one person a day shouldn’t be over the top, it should be a habit.

People need to care more about each other and lifting each other up.

It’s important to have the balance between selfishness and selflessness.

But the teeter totter is stuck.

We need more people to start walking to the other side.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie