At Least I Had Love Letters To Rip Through

I’ve had a hard time finding time to write on this blog and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lost a bit of inspiration or if it really is because senior year is wrestling me to the ground. Either way, a new commitment (mentally and now electronically) has been made to bring back the effort to this site.

I wrote this at 1 am last night while laying in bed.

I have found that writing through my emotions and pain (however long and grueling a process this is) has been the best way to deal with what I go through. It’s kind of insane how I can feel so incredibly content until I am exhausted at home from the day and have to sort through this mess of whatever I’m feeling.

Sometimes I get jealous of those who aren’t emotional at all.

Then again, they probably wouldn’t write anything like this…

I ripped through your words tonight.

I was waiting to burn them but I couldn’t wait anymore. 

I ripped every picture and bribed my heart.

I told it that if I could make it through this moment without a single tear that I was stronger than I thought.

And I didn’t cry.

I wanted to. I wanted to read every word one more time and then hide them in a corner just to know that I wasn’t dreaming what I thought I had. 

But I ripped through them instead because I knew that I wanted love back, not you.

I ripped through diaries and stories and I love yous gone to hell.

I ripped through ticket stubs and anniversary cards and I took them straight to the dumpster in the pouring rain. 

But you know what? At least I know what it’s like to have love letters. 

But I don’t ever want to know what they said anymore.

And as I walked back up the stairs to my apartment door, damp from the rain, my head became light and I fell onto my bed.

For a night, I could finally breathe. 

And if you see me as weak, pathetic-you name it. I am far from every single one of those words.

I am worth more than dead poetry and used to bes.

I am more than false hope and biased memories. 

Last night, before I ripped through the past, I reached the end of my rope.

I want you to know I felt so awful, I would have done anything to get the crushing weight on my chest flown off of me. 

But I couldn’t think of  a single thing. 

It was crushing and suffocating.

Until I ripped through those memories. 

Every single rip rang in my ears and put something back together.

Every tear of another page made my heart ice over the searing heat that had left me so angry.

Tonight- I felt something that I haven’t felt in a really long time. 

Not closure, not a heart beating anew, not healing… I felt myself inch forward.

A fraction of an inch that I took so proudly that I can’t bear to tell you how destroyed I had to be to get here. 

These tiny inches are battles that I am fighting every single day and to tell you that I’m okay or that everything happened like it was supposed to would be a lie. 

Every day, every hour feels different. 

But my god, that fraction of an inch felt so good. 

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

Advertisements

The Power of Curled Hair and Lipstick

I savor the days that I get to use my girl weapons of mass beautification. I crave the mornings I get to jump out of bed and put on a new beautiful outfit that I have been dying to wear. I am a girl who loves the rarity of an ALL OUT kind of beauty day.

What ever do I mean? Fashion is wonderful. It’s making a statement about who you are and what you feel best in. Sometimes it’s terribly confusing and you don’t understand how a some trends ever came in to style (*cough* my favorite pants used to be gouchos and I loved ponchos in middle school *cough*). It’s an art expression. People engage in fashion every single day and feel that doing this on the daily will give them the power they need to conquer their days. I love this idea but I am way too darn lazy for that.

Therefore, I stick to my leggings and super comfy v-neck and throw a cardigan over it if I’m feeling stylish that day. Make up is a laugh unless you count lately where I have been trying a little harder if I have a nice event or special occasion. Ambitious, I know.

So what is all this nonsense about savoring my days for an all out beautification?

lipstickThe reason I don’t curl my hair often or put on lipstick every day is because I feel super empowered and confident when I pamper myself like that. For some people, this is something that doing daily would never grow old but for me? Doing that every day would become a daunting task and I would hate it. I would eventually start feeling the same way I do now and then how I would I step it up for special occasions? Prom dresses that freak everyone out and make me look like the weird red-headed child I have hidden so well the past 20 years. We don’t want that, ladies and gentlemen.

I savor my try-hard days. Today, for example. I have a big presentation as well as a ceremony tonight. I was SO excited this morning that I was up before 7 am, carefully slid on my black dress and became way to excited to curl my hair. After the curls were carefully sculpted to bounce and float exactly how I wanted them to, I steadily applied a clean layer of bright red lipstick to finish off the makeup earlier applied.

I feel damn good today. Every girl deserves to feel that way. Whether you can do this every day or savor them like myself, there is a hidden power in a gorgeous outfit, curled locks and your favorite lipstick. It will give you that extra UMPH you need to seize your day with confidence and we all deserve that.

It’s going to be a good day.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

I Finally Figured Out If I’m Happy Or Not

Wow, this past month has stretched me in so many different directions. I feel like Elastic Woman from The Incredibles. How is it that one person can feel so obligated to do 14,000 things in one day? (Exaggeration, more like 13,999.) College, I tell you, it’s all because of college and the extremities that are attached to it. I needed that break last week but boy, it sure feels good to appreciate blogging again.

Now for the meaty section of today’s post. I have had a lot of crazy jam packed checklists to accomplish lately and while I was tackling these huge feats of work, I had some time to day dream and think about a really important question: am I happy?

I was stunned when I couldn’t answer very easily. I was laying down before bed and I thought, what constitutes as someone being able to say that there are definitely happy? Then I thought of something that one of my friends recently shared with me. She has been going through a lot and she said “You know Anna, I have realized lately that I have a lot of bad days.” At the time, I was just trying to be her friend and comfort her through her bad day, but it really got me thinking.

Do I have a lot of bad days too? Does a string of bad days lead to bad weeks, bad months, a bad year, a bad life? It kind of dawned on me that in order to be happy, I had to start by having good days. Of course, you can’t force those on yourself, but you have to know what contributes to your good days and what triggers your bad days. We need a little of both because how else would we tell the difference between them? It’s just a matter of which ones we have more.

I looked back on the past few weeks and thought about the good days, the bad days, the normal days and really evaluated which kind of days I was having most often. I felt kind of ungrateful when I realized that I have had a lot of good days lately.

I am smiling because it represents happiness.

I am smiling because it represents happiness.

I thought, maybe I’m just lucky, which can definitely be so, but I had to start giving myself some credit too. I am where I am today because of my hard work and commitments in my life. I have chose to do certain things every day that really contribute to a good day for me.  Even in the midst of this stressful time with challenges being thrown at me left and right, I have had a lot of good days.

I thought, well, does that mean I am happy? So I dug deep into those days and found that I was doing things that were truly making me happy. I was learning, loving, sharing and challenging myself every day. Bad days were ones that I couldn’t control. Days that were triggered by other factors that I only have half the say in. On these good days, I would seize random opportunities to go places and do things with new friends and that really set my mood soaring.

I realized, I have worked hard, really hard, and I have earned these good days. It was the best feeling in the world. I want to continue to earn these good days through positive energy, building relationships and taking adventures whenever the chance comes around. I have a lot of good days and to me, that means I am happy. I am living a good life and I really am happy. Are you?

That’s a lot of deep thinking for a Monday. 😉

Take care and until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Reasons You Need To Love Your Body

Our lives are filled with airbrushed ads, sexual campaigns, new dieting tricks and size zero models. Then people tell us to love ourselves. We think, how. 

In a world that spins on defining beauty, it’s hard to live up to the expectations the media sets for us. That’s why I’m here to add to the voices that need to be turned up. It’s painful to hear how many of my close family and friends bash themselves for the way the look. It’s equally as painful to hear myself chime in with my own insecurities.

Flaws become a contest to see who has it worse or to fish out those compliments that give us some of our self-worth back. Because we lose it way too fast and much to easy.

You should love your body for so many different reasons. So please, do your mind and yourself a favor and believe in what I say.

Your body is a tool. It is a beautiful tool that allows you to do many things. Run, walk, dance, hug, kiss, make love, hold a child, climb a mountain, swim across seas, build incredible projects, fight wars and so much more. You underestimate your body. Don’t do that.

Your body will work with you. Have you ever joined a sport? Did you notice yourself getting better? Your body adapted to the skills you wanted it to learn and that task became easier. The harder you work with your body the more results you see.

You only have one body. You only get one body to use in your lifetime. I’m sure you can think of someone who is missing a part of their body. I can think of a few who have made their lives meaningful and proved that having an ‘imperfect’ body can still get them to inspiring heights.

You need to love your body. Of course exercise is good for your body. Take care of the tool you have and go on a walk and be mindful of what you eat. Coming from a girl who skips runs and enjoys Taco Bell, you don’t have to be perfect to keep your body healthy.

You’re your own worst critic. You judge yourself harsher than you would ever judge another person. You notice every single pimple, freckle and scar. If you could see yourself through someone else’s eyes, you would be shocked to find how they might notice you in a completely different way. Breathe in and find something to love about your body.

Comparing is deadly. There are not two people in this world who have the exact same body, inside and out. Why would you compare an apple to an orange or a banana to a pineapple when they are all just different versions of fruit? That’s what we are. Different versions of human beings.

It’s okay to feel sexy or good about yourself. People think that feeling a certain way about themselves might make others think they are cocky or self-absorbed. When you walk past a mirror and you notice you are having an extra good hair day, rock the rest of your day with that confidence. The best way to improve your self-image is to tell yourself what you love about you.

This fight isn’t easy. We are battling against years of messages installed into our beings. That’s why we need to stand up to recognize what our bodies our for and appreciate our bodies so we can take care of them. If we take care of our bodies, they will be able to hang in there with us.

Love your body! Word on the street is it can do some pretty incredible things.

Anna

Workout So You Can Take Impressive Pictures

That sounds strange doesn’t it? But let’s face it. Not many people actually like the idea of working out for more than a month. The people that do are athletes or stay within their comfort zone most of the time. It’s a time consuming, pain filled process and who loves pushing your body until you want to keel over? Not many of us, so here is a new approach.

I have just started working out again. I used to count my walks to work and took the stairs as a good form of cardio but I began to realized I missed feeling stronger. Here’s what I did to get back into it and yes, pictures are involved.

1. I grabbed a buddy who wanted the same goals. You hear this all over the internet because it’s true. Your workouts will be much more consistent if you push each other to be better and to be accountable. Having someone that you don’t mind correcting you and telling you to work harder will be a great tool in the workouts you choose. Besides, you are more likely to stand up yourself than a friend, right? So find someone you can workout with and make a schedule.

2. Decide what kind of workouts you want to do. I have had this workout buddy for 3 years and this past year we kind of lost our way. We didn’t workout together anymore and then we both stopped working out all together. Recently, we decided this wasn’t okay. We used to run together and do minimal abs and on and off body weight exercises but we weren’t as fond of that anymore. We both realized we wanted to get toned with a different kind of cardio that gave us a lot of body control, balance, and flexibility. So, we chose dance.

You probably think we’re crazy. Two 20-something year olds want to learn to dance now? Well, we both have had background training and knew that with time, we would be able to get better. We’re not going for So You Think You Can Dance, we just want to tone up in a different way that can be truly beautiful.

3. Set Goals. If you’re running, do you want to be able to run 5 miles non-stop in 3 months? If you’re lifting weights, do you want to bench ten pounds more in 50 days? With our new workout in mind, our goal is to become more flexible. One thing in specific is we want to be able to do the splits by the end of our spring semester. Setting a goal gives you something to work for and keeps pushing you.

4. Document your journey. This is where I’m getting into the pictures part. This is new for my friend and I, but we decided that we wanted to take progress pictures to see how far we’ve come and push ourselves even farther. When I say progress pictures, I don’t mean the whole sports bra thing.

I said my goal was the splits? So every week, we take a picture of each other trying to do the splits and see how much farther we get. We have done this for a few different flexibility poses and I can’t wait to see our progress. Our goal is to become strong and capable of taking beautiful Pinterest worthy pictures. To inspire you, is a beautiful example.

Courtesy of Pinterest.

Courtesy of Pinterest.

5. Patience. Especially for our goal, we have to be patient. Being able to control your body or do what these girls are doing in the picture is going to take more than a semester. That’s the fun part about it. We get to see how far we can push our bodies because we are still young and willing to learn.

I hope these tips have inspired a new fire inside to get that booty up and moving. If you have any other amazing tips that work well for you or styles of exercise you love, comment below! I love to hear what makes people successful.

Until Tomorrow,

Anna Marie