I’m Terrified to Talk About It

I’ve started so many posts today but I couldn’t finish a single one.

I have burned through topics and conversations and the only thing I want to write about terrifies me.

Because I’m writing about love.

And what is more terrifying than talking about love?

I had it. 

And they don’t tell you about the waiting.

They don’t tell you about what happens after experiencing love, an all-consuming kind of love, and having it slip through your hands.

Yes… wait.

Wait for time to forgive and accept that not all kinds of love conquers. But knowing that the right love will conquer all.

Wait for you to taste what you had before in a more explosive and delicate way.

We’re simply stuck waiting. 

The mode I’m in is a fragile patience.

It’s not a desperate need but more of a mutual understanding with my heart.

I’m in a patient stage of contentment with myself and where I am. I don’t feel the need to constantly be on the look out for love. I am not seeking a partner to have in the next 24 hours and while I miss kisses on my forehead and waking up in someone’s arms, it means a lot more when that someone is in love with you.

No, I’m okay with being patient.

For a girl who dreams of a certain kind of love… I know what I want. I know what I can offer and where I want to go and I want a partner who is the same way.

I’m waiting for someone who I don’t have to force myself to like. Someone I know who will fight for me because they see the value I have. Someone who isn’t into the games this generation likes to play.

I’ve realized how hard it is to let go of the kind of control I wish I had over love.

You can’t control love.

You can’t control how you feel, why you feel it, thoughts that consume you or how long it takes to fall completely head over heels or out of a broken dream.

But I can focus on anything and frankly, everything else, while that part of my life is stagnant.

Patience is my virtue as I continue to wait in this in-between of knowing what love is and looking forward to the day I can call it mine again.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

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I Hate Goodbyes

I hate the anticipation of a goodbye. I hate the gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, all consuming fear attached to the moment of not knowing if you’re going to see someone again.

It’s incredible how people can come crashing into our lives. Without expectation, one person can change our entire future and most of the time they don’t even realize the gravity they have on you.

It’s almost crazy how fast we can become friends with someone and trust them with our deepest secrets. Our most sacred thoughts can be gently handed over in a matter of seconds of feeling like the other person understands us. 

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Look to the sky for a sign. Tonight’s goodbye will be hard but you’ll be better because of it.

This is why I hate goodbyes. We can become so close to someone in just a few days of the right conversations and yet, sometimes a goodbye looms above us with finality and heartbreak. How do we know if we will ever see someone again?

I’ve said a lot of goodbyes. Some fading out like the end of a movie, some shaking me to my core and some that I was never ready for. Goodbye is never easy. Goodbye to the dead is for ourselves to feel closure and remember them in light. Goodbye to someone we once loved in any way both frees and breaks us. Goodbyes to places or things grip our hearts as we flash back to the memories we made there.

I’ve learned that goodbye never gets easier, you just get stronger. Sometimes the last thing you want to do after a goodbye is move forward, even when that’s all you have left. Some goodbyes sting for a few days and some sting for a few years. Some are easier than others.

The most important thing is remembering that people stay in your life for exactly the right amount of time. Whether it’s two weeks or twenty years, if someone has fulfilled their role in your life and you have to say goodbye for whatever reason, let them go.

By clinging to a past filled with what if’s and could of, should of, would of’s we prohibit the life we’re supposed to live from happening. If we could only see that somewhere in the future there is a silver lining, we might find goodbyes a little easier.

Have faith that saying goodbye will only lead to a dozen new hello’s.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

What I Learned From Being Dumped

Yeah, the title is as embarrassing as I feel writing this post but it’s been on my mind for a while and I’m just going to embrace what I went through.

QUICKLY: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t in anyway an attack to the person who I dated because I will always stand behind the fact that he is a great guy. I don’t have any bad feelings toward him or what happened. However, he did hurt me and I’m a writer who writes about what I’ve gone through.  

So here’s what I learned from someone ripping my heart out of my chest and then throwing it in the grass and running it over with a lawn mower. (Dramatic metaphor or passive aggressive? Haha)

1. The reason a relationship ends will sometimes never be good enough. We can hear the reason 25 times and it still doesn’t make sense to us. However, we decided to stop trying to figure it out at some point. There comes a point when you decide it doesn’t even deserve the amount of thought you’ve done trying to analyze what it could possibly mean and so we accept that we will never get that kind of closure.

2. You’ll always have questions and something to say. If you get the chance to cool off and talk with them, you’re only going to arise 33 more questions and 21 more soliloquies in your head. It’s a never ending cycle. You’ll always want to say one last thing and ask one more question. Soon enough, those will start dying down in your head.

3. You stay in love with the memories you had of that person, not the person actually standing in front of you. This was so important to learn. We constantly play the highlight reel in our head. We playback all of the happy memories we had and we still look at this person as the one who gave us so much happiness and joy. That’s not true anymore. The person in front of you now is so very different. They aren’t choosing you anymore and as excruciating as it is to read… they don’t want you. Is that really the kind of person you want to be with down the road? Is it? Of course not.

4. In most cases, the person who dumped you didn’t want to cause you all of the pain you have had to endure. I know in my case, this was the honest truth. It wasn’t easy for him to see me so torn apart and believe me, it was horrible to be so torn apart in front of him. If someone truly loved us- they would never want to see you in that much pain. So there comes a point when you realize they never wanted to hurt you but decided to because it was in their best interest (and who knows, maybe yours too). This sounds harsh because it is but believe me the one who dumped you didn’t get off too easy themselves. I don’t really know what it’s like on the other side, but they didn’t fake the entire relationship and have some healing to do as well.

5. You lose so much more than a boyfriend. I was more upset that I lost my best friend more than anything. I hated that I didn’t have my favorite someone to go on walks with, out to eat with, home with and adventure with. My most trusted partner in crime became my hearts biggest enemy in a matter of five minutes and that has been the hardest part to deal with.

You lose so much more than just your boyfriend, you lose his family. I don’t know if you loved/hated them but it’s so much worse when you feel like you found a home where he calls home. You created memories, jokes and plans with them and the most unfair part of a break up is you can’t say goodbye to people that never had a say in the matter. You just have to be sad and close all of the doors yourself. It’s all just so difficult.

6. Relationships REQUIRE two people to fight for each other. There is no such thing as an easy relationship… to a point. Those of us who are fighters will never understand how someone can just give up. At first, a relationship is so easy. You’re in love and they’re perfect and it’s not until the honeymoon phase fades that you realize you are actually required to work for a great relationship.

Simply put, some people just are not ready. Maybe “not ready” is what scared people say. Honestly, they will never be ready. No one is ever ready for anything. We’ll always be scared. You just do and you make it happen if you believe in what you have. If you aren’t leaving your comfort zone, you’ll never see how great something can be.

Then again, timing can be important. Maybe you’re on different paths or in different points in your life and it’s important to recognize that.

7. You will always have these insane notions (for a while) that they will turn around, realize how incredibly amazing you are (which you ARE) and decide they want to fight for love now. I don’t know when these daydreams will stop happening but I still have them if I’m being completely honest. This is the part that kills us. HOPE. The whole “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”. Kind of true but I believe someone has to decide that they want it to happen and then they set it in motion.

We wonder if that was the last time you will ever see them again or if you’ll ever bump into each other down the road and maybe even rekindle a love that is willing and timely. We still imagine them in our future because it is a dream we had for so long that we didn’t even choose to end. We even say to each other “see you later” because it’s easier than saying goodbye to someone who was a big part of your life for a while.

John Green says it perfectly in “Paper Towns”.

It is saying these things that keeps us from falling apart. And maybe by imagining these futures we can make them real, and maybe not, but either way we must imagine them. I stand in the parking lot… and here is this girl I love and cannot follow. I hope this is the hero’s errand because not following her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I keep thinking she will get in the car, but she doesn’t, and she finally turns around to me and I see her soaked eyes. The physical space between us evaporates. After we kiss, our foreheads touch as we stare at each other. Yes, I can see her almost perfectly in this cracked darkness. 

We want so badly to hold on to those final moments so we can let go of the person attached to them.

8. There’s not an expiration date on pain. We feel so many emotions: pain, rejection, hope, excitement, relief, guilt, etc. That sometimes all we feel is absolutely nothing. Numbed by an overwhelming amount of emotion. For every person it takes a different amount of time. Just know that as long as you’re pushing yourself to move forward, you can take as long as you need.

9. I learned what it was like to be in love. We know what love is (maybe) and I know I was in it. I loved so much, felt so deeply and cared so passionately about another human being. I can’t imagine what it will feel like when someone is ready to feel that way about me, regardless of fear and hesitations. I found a love that could have lasted a lifetime and I hope to fall in love with another best friend. I am so incredibly hopeful for the future.

10. You slowly move on, but you DO move on. I never thought I could confidently say that. We will always be touchy about the subject but what are we supposed to do? Dwell every day and never open up again? No. I will open my heart bigger and better than before. I’ve moved forward and am becoming a much stronger person after it all.

I almost wish I could say a huge thank you for the person I became because of him. I had an incredible journey that pushed me to be a person I’m really starting to like. I just wish I didn’t have to go through so much pain to get here. We all want love so bad, that we put ourselves through hell just in the hopes that one day it will all be worth it. For now, we just have to leave everything behind.

It is so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world. –John Green

I sure hope so Mr. Green. I really do.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Dear Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

I know what you feel right now. I know that your chest is caving in and you feel like an elephant is sitting on you. It feels like your heart is trying to pump concrete through your body and it’s slowly turning to stone. You feel like your mind is obsessed with “what ifs” and “whys” and as hard as you try, you can’t stop the tears from falling.

I know that every time you see something another memory surfaces. Every time something good or bad happens you think of that person. Every time someone asks you if you’re okay you say yes to be polite but know that right now, you’re far from okay.

I know that you don’t want to deal with the questions because you still haven’t answered them yourself. I know that no matter how many people tell you “you deserve more” you nod even though you don’t feel that way right now.

I know that the one person you want to talk to about everything isn’t here for you anymore. I know that you want so badly to talk to them. I know you can’t help but feel hope that some day they will recognize the mistake they made in letting you go. I know how hard it is for you to even consider letting go.

I know that you can give yourself the best pep talk in the world but you can’t force yourself to feel better. You still need time to overthink answers and cross check reasons and dig for any shred of light that might give you the strength to move past this.

I know that right now, you feel like a failure. You feel like there is something wrong with you that cannot be fixed and that you aren’t worthy of love. You feel betrayed and broken because you would have done anything for that person.

WHAT I KNOW… My sweet, injured heart, is that you will be okay.

It’s okay if it’s not today. It’s okay if it’s not tomorrow. But every day you will have a moment where you do feel okay. And in time that moment will grown into minutes, hours, days until eventually you feel strong and whole and ready to open your heart again.

You are worthy of love and affection. You are beautiful and kind and if someone gives you up, they are giving you a chance to be found by someone else who could love you deeper. Even when all you want is that person, you might not get them again and to accept that, is to understand that you cannot change it.

You are going to struggle to understand and that’s okay. You are going to hope that he is going to run back to you and for now, that’s okay. You need hope to give you strength so you can let go.

You are going to be terrified of moving on because you aren’t sure if you want to. Breathe in, breathe out. Take time to yourself now because that’s what you deserve.

Let go of the pain. Of the guilt. Let go of the self-doubt.

How do you look into the eyes of someone you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? When that person can look into your eyes and tell you that they don’t want you anymore. You deserve to be wanted. You deserve love.

Take time for yourself to put back together the pieces. It’s up to you, not to anyone else. You are strong enough to heal your heart and come out of this stronger and even more willing to fall in love again.

It’s you. You have to be the one to save yourself. You have to love yourself so you can be loved again. It’s horrifying and heartbreaking but what you need right now isn’t him or her. It’s you. You need yourself to stand tall and to lift your chin up. Be proud of what you have given and understand that after all of the effort, it’s your turn to let go so you can be happy again.

You’re the hero in this story and you will feel strong again. The love you need has to come from you right now. We both know you deserve it.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie