I’m Terrified to Talk About It

I’ve started so many posts today but I couldn’t finish a single one.

I have burned through topics and conversations and the only thing I want to write about terrifies me.

Because I’m writing about love.

And what is more terrifying than talking about love?

I had it. 

And they don’t tell you about the waiting.

They don’t tell you about what happens after experiencing love, an all-consuming kind of love, and having it slip through your hands.

Yes… wait.

Wait for time to forgive and accept that not all kinds of love conquers. But knowing that the right love will conquer all.

Wait for you to taste what you had before in a more explosive and delicate way.

We’re simply stuck waiting. 

The mode I’m in is a fragile patience.

It’s not a desperate need but more of a mutual understanding with my heart.

I’m in a patient stage of contentment with myself and where I am. I don’t feel the need to constantly be on the look out for love. I am not seeking a partner to have in the next 24 hours and while I miss kisses on my forehead and waking up in someone’s arms, it means a lot more when that someone is in love with you.

No, I’m okay with being patient.

For a girl who dreams of a certain kind of love… I know what I want. I know what I can offer and where I want to go and I want a partner who is the same way.

I’m waiting for someone who I don’t have to force myself to like. Someone I know who will fight for me because they see the value I have. Someone who isn’t into the games this generation likes to play.

I’ve realized how hard it is to let go of the kind of control I wish I had over love.

You can’t control love.

You can’t control how you feel, why you feel it, thoughts that consume you or how long it takes to fall completely head over heels or out of a broken dream.

But I can focus on anything and frankly, everything else, while that part of my life is stagnant.

Patience is my virtue as I continue to wait in this in-between of knowing what love is and looking forward to the day I can call it mine again.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

I’ll Say It Again, Travel Heals You: Germany

Sometimes we get stuck. We get put in this place where moving forward is our only option but our environment won’t allow for it until certain things are taken care of. Our minds go into overdrive and our emotions lay bare. Our hearts pump blood a little faster and our hope spreads thin.

I was there. I was in this place where I wanted more than anything in the world to move forward and I was continuously dragged back into this dark place.

Germany was my haven.

The first two weeks here, I saw so many new things and took part in all of these common traditions and I started to forget the darkness I left. I felt alive.

A few days into my trip I started to wonder why I was keeping attachments to people and things that hurt me and so I did what any sane woman who was trying to move forward would do, I completely detached them from every aspect of my life. I did it for me so I could move forward and stop the thoughts from pouring in every time I saw their name.

It wasn’t until I realized my trip was half way over that I realized I hadn’t thought about anything happening back home for a few days now. A topic that shadowed my thoughts for months hadn’t even crossed my mind for a few seconds in the past few days.

Once again, travel was healing me.

When I sat in bed thinking of how incredible this moment was, tears filled my eyes. I saw myself and I recognized someone who looked like me but felt different. I felt stronger, passionate and more than anything, loved. I was surrounded by new friends and an amazing family and the love I felt was more genuine than anything I’ve known.

I laughed because I recognized someone who had made it through what I thought was impossible. The worst is over, now I can promise happiness to myself.

There is nothing more beautiful than realizing you made it through the worst part of a pitfall in your life. 

I used to reflect so much on this past summer and I haven’t done that for weeks now. I haven’t questioned, wondered or regretted anything. I haven’t relapsed or broken down and I don’t see that part of my life as I used to. I’m not blinded by emotion anymore and I see everything a lot more clear.

It’s crazy what happens to you when you are so close to a situation. Germany gave me the time to see that what happened to me was not a punishment in any way. It was a blessing in disguise in order for me to become who I want and go where I believe I deserve to go. It showed me how much love I need to come from myself so I can stop feeling the pain I had been in.

It only took the Atlantic Ocean and a different continent for me to finally feel like the storm is at it’s end. And once again, travel has healed me.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Dear Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

I know what you feel right now. I know that your chest is caving in and you feel like an elephant is sitting on you. It feels like your heart is trying to pump concrete through your body and it’s slowly turning to stone. You feel like your mind is obsessed with “what ifs” and “whys” and as hard as you try, you can’t stop the tears from falling.

I know that every time you see something another memory surfaces. Every time something good or bad happens you think of that person. Every time someone asks you if you’re okay you say yes to be polite but know that right now, you’re far from okay.

I know that you don’t want to deal with the questions because you still haven’t answered them yourself. I know that no matter how many people tell you “you deserve more” you nod even though you don’t feel that way right now.

I know that the one person you want to talk to about everything isn’t here for you anymore. I know that you want so badly to talk to them. I know you can’t help but feel hope that some day they will recognize the mistake they made in letting you go. I know how hard it is for you to even consider letting go.

I know that you can give yourself the best pep talk in the world but you can’t force yourself to feel better. You still need time to overthink answers and cross check reasons and dig for any shred of light that might give you the strength to move past this.

I know that right now, you feel like a failure. You feel like there is something wrong with you that cannot be fixed and that you aren’t worthy of love. You feel betrayed and broken because you would have done anything for that person.

WHAT I KNOW… My sweet, injured heart, is that you will be okay.

It’s okay if it’s not today. It’s okay if it’s not tomorrow. But every day you will have a moment where you do feel okay. And in time that moment will grown into minutes, hours, days until eventually you feel strong and whole and ready to open your heart again.

You are worthy of love and affection. You are beautiful and kind and if someone gives you up, they are giving you a chance to be found by someone else who could love you deeper. Even when all you want is that person, you might not get them again and to accept that, is to understand that you cannot change it.

You are going to struggle to understand and that’s okay. You are going to hope that he is going to run back to you and for now, that’s okay. You need hope to give you strength so you can let go.

You are going to be terrified of moving on because you aren’t sure if you want to. Breathe in, breathe out. Take time to yourself now because that’s what you deserve.

Let go of the pain. Of the guilt. Let go of the self-doubt.

How do you look into the eyes of someone you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? When that person can look into your eyes and tell you that they don’t want you anymore. You deserve to be wanted. You deserve love.

Take time for yourself to put back together the pieces. It’s up to you, not to anyone else. You are strong enough to heal your heart and come out of this stronger and even more willing to fall in love again.

It’s you. You have to be the one to save yourself. You have to love yourself so you can be loved again. It’s horrifying and heartbreaking but what you need right now isn’t him or her. It’s you. You need yourself to stand tall and to lift your chin up. Be proud of what you have given and understand that after all of the effort, it’s your turn to let go so you can be happy again.

You’re the hero in this story and you will feel strong again. The love you need has to come from you right now. We both know you deserve it.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Breathe: Travel Will Heal You

Whether you’re going through a loss, heartache or bad times, travel can heal you.

I’m not advocating that you run away from your problems because that won’t make a trip worth while but escaping the environment you’re in might just be exactly what you need to heal.

Maybe you need fresh air, ocean waves washing your worries away and new faces.  A place that will be kind to you when you need gentleness.

When the world is horrible to you, surrender yourself to it’s uncertainty.

Let the trees wave hello and the ocean lift you up. Let the crisp air fill your lungs and give you a new energy.

Breathe.

Let yourself find what is important to you again. Discover what makes you happy, what you value and where you will go from here.

Breathe.

Let the clouds shelter you from pain and the mountains hide your worries. Let the grass tickle your feet and the wind take away the negative thoughts running through your brain.

Breathe.

Maybe time away is exactly what you need to find yourself again. You can process the changes life threw at you and understand what happens now.

It will be a way to heal yourself and to throw yourself into a place you don’t know so well. All so you can heal.

A place to let it all go.

Anger, fear, confusion, weakness, doubt, sadness.

Let it go.

And breathe.

Until Tomorrow,

Anna Marie