At Least I Had Love Letters To Rip Through

I’ve had a hard time finding time to write on this blog and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lost a bit of inspiration or if it really is because senior year is wrestling me to the ground. Either way, a new commitment (mentally and now electronically) has been made to bring back the effort to this site.

I wrote this at 1 am last night while laying in bed.

I have found that writing through my emotions and pain (however long and grueling a process this is) has been the best way to deal with what I go through. It’s kind of insane how I can feel so incredibly content until I am exhausted at home from the day and have to sort through this mess of whatever I’m feeling.

Sometimes I get jealous of those who aren’t emotional at all.

Then again, they probably wouldn’t write anything like this…

I ripped through your words tonight.

I was waiting to burn them but I couldn’t wait anymore. 

I ripped every picture and bribed my heart.

I told it that if I could make it through this moment without a single tear that I was stronger than I thought.

And I didn’t cry.

I wanted to. I wanted to read every word one more time and then hide them in a corner just to know that I wasn’t dreaming what I thought I had. 

But I ripped through them instead because I knew that I wanted love back, not you.

I ripped through diaries and stories and I love yous gone to hell.

I ripped through ticket stubs and anniversary cards and I took them straight to the dumpster in the pouring rain. 

But you know what? At least I know what it’s like to have love letters. 

But I don’t ever want to know what they said anymore.

And as I walked back up the stairs to my apartment door, damp from the rain, my head became light and I fell onto my bed.

For a night, I could finally breathe. 

And if you see me as weak, pathetic-you name it. I am far from every single one of those words.

I am worth more than dead poetry and used to bes.

I am more than false hope and biased memories. 

Last night, before I ripped through the past, I reached the end of my rope.

I want you to know I felt so awful, I would have done anything to get the crushing weight on my chest flown off of me. 

But I couldn’t think of  a single thing. 

It was crushing and suffocating.

Until I ripped through those memories. 

Every single rip rang in my ears and put something back together.

Every tear of another page made my heart ice over the searing heat that had left me so angry.

Tonight- I felt something that I haven’t felt in a really long time. 

Not closure, not a heart beating anew, not healing… I felt myself inch forward.

A fraction of an inch that I took so proudly that I can’t bear to tell you how destroyed I had to be to get here. 

These tiny inches are battles that I am fighting every single day and to tell you that I’m okay or that everything happened like it was supposed to would be a lie. 

Every day, every hour feels different. 

But my god, that fraction of an inch felt so good. 

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

If You’re Going Through A Lot, This Letter Is For You

Dear Troubled Mind,

I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. I know that every day is a constant battle to choose to do things that will make you happy or to curl up and cry. Every morning you wake up and wait to see if you can feel a good or bad day coming and you’re nervous to succumb to the anxious dreams you’ve been living in every night.

You’re terrified of being left alone because you don’t think you are strong enough to stand without hands holding you up. Yet, you’re sick of everyone tip toeing around subjects and jokes that only make you think of everything you’re trying to ignore.

I know that you can’t stop the pain from hitting you just as hard as it did the first time and that you’re sick of waiting for enough time to pass to make things alright.

I felt this way. Some days, I still feel this way. So from me… to you… I’m going to tell you what you need to hear.

You are strong. Not because you have moved along or have forgotten, but because you have felt every single ounce of pain that has been with you and you are learning to live with it.

Time doesn’t fix all wounds, it allows us to learn how to deal with the missing piece we thought we needed to survive. It allows us to understand how to handle the pain of whatever change we feel destroyed us. Every day, the pain doesn’t go away, we just learn how to embrace it and how to push forward even with new scars.

That is why you are strong. You have cracks and burns in your heart but it still beats. You still smile and laugh because no one can take that from you.

Whatever event changed you… whether it was a betrayal, a break up, a death or anything else, know that the person who caused this much pain didn’t get off too easy themselves. Don’t hate them. Don’t resent them for what happened. They have made you into the person you are supposed to be and maybe their time in aiding your future is up.

Forgive. Forgive whatever has happened and forgive yourself. You don’t need to let go of a person because in all honesty, a part of us will truly never let go of something we love, but accept that you cannot change the past. Let go of the control you no longer have and embrace what is yet to come.

Let go of the blame you place on yourself or another person and let go of the idea that a grand gesture will come along. Let go of the memories but still appreciate them. Let go of what you had and look forward to what could be. A door closes only to have a few windows creak open.

Understand the beauty and happiness that you deserve. You are so much more than a face or a body. You have a soul that can shine light through the darkest of nights. You have love that can leave someone speechless and kindness that spreads like wildfire.

Right now, stop thinking of ways to put others before yourself. Stop thinking of ways to apologize, react, conversations, plots that might change the outcome of what has happened.

Start thinking of yourself.  Choose YOU. If you’re terrified to be alone, that is a huge cry that you are exactly who you need right now. You need to find comfort in yourself. You have to love yourself to heal the cuts that are deep in your heart. No one can say something that is going to magically reset your happiness. You have to fight to get that back, no matter how unfair it seems.

Every single day when you wake up, you need to push forward. Don’t let yourself wallow on the couch or lay in bed all day. Do something about your pain.

Smother the pain with self-love. Love yourself by doing what makes you happy and for enjoying your own company.

No one can heal you like you can. Look at yourself in the mirror and have a conversation explaining why you deserve joy and appreciation. Then give it to yourself. Appreciate who you are and why you are an amazing soul.

Keep fighting. Maybe you fought hard for someone else and they gave up and now you don’t know why you put so much effort into something that failed. Well, keep fighting. Not for them anymore, but for yourself. Don’t give up now. You fought to be happy with someone/something else and now you must fight to be happy all by yourself.

Love deeper than anything you’ve ever felt before. Love is pain’s antibiotic. Love with each cell in your body and give it your all. Your friends, your family, your significant other or even your dog. Pour love into others and you’ll find that the ones who truly care will give you just as much love back.

Push forward, choose to love yourself and you WILL find happiness.

Until next time,

Anna Marie

Life’s Little Therapies

There are certain instances in life that you just sit back and think “WOW, did that just make me feel better…”

Life has a funny way of teaching you therapeutic ways to make yourself feel better without you even realizing it. Check out the examples I came up with below.

Riding in a car with the music loud… There is just something about loud music that speaks to you in a car that let’s you experience the environment around you. Riding in a car soothes the soul and rocks your anger to sleep. The music lets you belt out your favorite words and says exactly what you are feeling. The combination drowns out the thoughts in your head as your journeying to somewhere different (even if it is just on your way back home).

Seeing something new… Whether it’s a back road you’ve never taken or a town 15 minutes away that you have never explored, a change of scenery is stimulating. It occupies your brain and can erase your worries for the time being. It’s a reminder that the world is huge and there are opportunities everywhere.

Sticking your feet in the ocean… Grounding yourself. Letting the waves wash over your toes and sinking your feet into the sand is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. It’s a gentle motivation to stay calm and breathe. It makes us feel peaceful and whole in the mass of the world. It is by far one of my favorite therapies.

A get together with your closest friends or family members… There is something about sharing laughter with those closest to you that can lift your spirits. Reminiscing on old times, creating new memories or just sitting in their presence can make you feel so much better. The presence of someone who cares about you can really make you feel less alone and give you something to look forward to. It’s a way to distract yourself from negativity and reach for the ones who can make your happiness soar.

Indulging in something you love… What is your favorite hobby? What is something you haven’t done in a while? Whether it’s cooking, reading, running or calling your grandma, do something that you know will make you feel relaxed or calm. Sometimes we don’t feel like doing anything at all but by letting ourselves just sit around, we aren’t taking a step forward. At least grab your favorite snack or dance around to one song. Do it for you.

These are a few of life’s indulgences that can raise your mood and make you feel even just a smidge better on a gloomy day. Remember that time will pass whether you are enjoying it or not. Take advantage of what days you have left and be happy.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie