At Least I Had Love Letters To Rip Through

I’ve had a hard time finding time to write on this blog and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lost a bit of inspiration or if it really is because senior year is wrestling me to the ground. Either way, a new commitment (mentally and now electronically) has been made to bring back the effort to this site.

I wrote this at 1 am last night while laying in bed.

I have found that writing through my emotions and pain (however long and grueling a process this is) has been the best way to deal with what I go through. It’s kind of insane how I can feel so incredibly content until I am exhausted at home from the day and have to sort through this mess of whatever I’m feeling.

Sometimes I get jealous of those who aren’t emotional at all.

Then again, they probably wouldn’t write anything like this…

I ripped through your words tonight.

I was waiting to burn them but I couldn’t wait anymore. 

I ripped every picture and bribed my heart.

I told it that if I could make it through this moment without a single tear that I was stronger than I thought.

And I didn’t cry.

I wanted to. I wanted to read every word one more time and then hide them in a corner just to know that I wasn’t dreaming what I thought I had. 

But I ripped through them instead because I knew that I wanted love back, not you.

I ripped through diaries and stories and I love yous gone to hell.

I ripped through ticket stubs and anniversary cards and I took them straight to the dumpster in the pouring rain. 

But you know what? At least I know what it’s like to have love letters. 

But I don’t ever want to know what they said anymore.

And as I walked back up the stairs to my apartment door, damp from the rain, my head became light and I fell onto my bed.

For a night, I could finally breathe. 

And if you see me as weak, pathetic-you name it. I am far from every single one of those words.

I am worth more than dead poetry and used to bes.

I am more than false hope and biased memories. 

Last night, before I ripped through the past, I reached the end of my rope.

I want you to know I felt so awful, I would have done anything to get the crushing weight on my chest flown off of me. 

But I couldn’t think of  a single thing. 

It was crushing and suffocating.

Until I ripped through those memories. 

Every single rip rang in my ears and put something back together.

Every tear of another page made my heart ice over the searing heat that had left me so angry.

Tonight- I felt something that I haven’t felt in a really long time. 

Not closure, not a heart beating anew, not healing… I felt myself inch forward.

A fraction of an inch that I took so proudly that I can’t bear to tell you how destroyed I had to be to get here. 

These tiny inches are battles that I am fighting every single day and to tell you that I’m okay or that everything happened like it was supposed to would be a lie. 

Every day, every hour feels different. 

But my god, that fraction of an inch felt so good. 

Until Next Time,

Anna Marie

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Laying All My Secrets Bare

Sometimes inspiration is taking what you feel angry about and fighting against it.

Well, I’m not fighting today. I’m taking all of this accumulating anger and pushing them into words.

This is about recognizing what you’re feeling.

Then it’s having the balls to write about it.

I Hope You Know

I hate admitting that I still think about you.

I hate it. 

I have never been more angry with myself or with another person.

I have never expected more from a human being who has let me down.

You make me angry.

It’s crazy how quickly my anger dissolves when I try to confront someone.

It’s like I have two people sharing my body and the nice one always overrules the mean one.

My words come out kinder and where I want to say “you are awful for what you did to me” I say “it’s okay”. 

But it’s not okay.

It was never okay.

I need a formula to tell me how much time passes before you don’t cross my mind every day. 

I need a million dollars to pay off my University so I can finally leave these towns and these memories.

I need a plane ticket to the next town out of here.

Because I am sick of being the girl who can’t stand up for herself for fear of being mean.

I’m sick of fighting for people that fight way too hard to be let go by me. 

Some people deserve to feel your anger.

You, especially, deserve to feel my anger.

Because I have never felt more rage than I have had within me. 

And as badly as I want to march to your door, punch you square in the jaw, force you to apologize and walk away, I somehow control every heart-wrenching emotion and I fight it every single day because I tell myself that it’s not worth it.

It wouldn’t change anything.

It sure as hell won’t make me a better person.

It sure as hell won’t make you snap out of it.

It sure as hell won’t give me any answers.

And that’s the worst part.

Knowing the cowardice behind fake answers and I don’t knows.

Because you do know.

And  it’s not worth my time anymore.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

And I’ll keep thinking about it until enough days pass that the bitterness fades or I just get used to it being a familiar friend.

No one will ever understand the strength it takes to write about pain and what you’re feeling. It’s terrifying and vulnerable. But I found that vulnerability only hurts when you don’t use it. Vulnerability is beautiful and that’s why I write about what hurts. I have decided to be a completely open book in these next few posts. Honesty is beautiful.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

What I Learned From Being Dumped

Yeah, the title is as embarrassing as I feel writing this post but it’s been on my mind for a while and I’m just going to embrace what I went through.

QUICKLY: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t in anyway an attack to the person who I dated because I will always stand behind the fact that he is a great guy. I don’t have any bad feelings toward him or what happened. However, he did hurt me and I’m a writer who writes about what I’ve gone through.  

So here’s what I learned from someone ripping my heart out of my chest and then throwing it in the grass and running it over with a lawn mower. (Dramatic metaphor or passive aggressive? Haha)

1. The reason a relationship ends will sometimes never be good enough. We can hear the reason 25 times and it still doesn’t make sense to us. However, we decided to stop trying to figure it out at some point. There comes a point when you decide it doesn’t even deserve the amount of thought you’ve done trying to analyze what it could possibly mean and so we accept that we will never get that kind of closure.

2. You’ll always have questions and something to say. If you get the chance to cool off and talk with them, you’re only going to arise 33 more questions and 21 more soliloquies in your head. It’s a never ending cycle. You’ll always want to say one last thing and ask one more question. Soon enough, those will start dying down in your head.

3. You stay in love with the memories you had of that person, not the person actually standing in front of you. This was so important to learn. We constantly play the highlight reel in our head. We playback all of the happy memories we had and we still look at this person as the one who gave us so much happiness and joy. That’s not true anymore. The person in front of you now is so very different. They aren’t choosing you anymore and as excruciating as it is to read… they don’t want you. Is that really the kind of person you want to be with down the road? Is it? Of course not.

4. In most cases, the person who dumped you didn’t want to cause you all of the pain you have had to endure. I know in my case, this was the honest truth. It wasn’t easy for him to see me so torn apart and believe me, it was horrible to be so torn apart in front of him. If someone truly loved us- they would never want to see you in that much pain. So there comes a point when you realize they never wanted to hurt you but decided to because it was in their best interest (and who knows, maybe yours too). This sounds harsh because it is but believe me the one who dumped you didn’t get off too easy themselves. I don’t really know what it’s like on the other side, but they didn’t fake the entire relationship and have some healing to do as well.

5. You lose so much more than a boyfriend. I was more upset that I lost my best friend more than anything. I hated that I didn’t have my favorite someone to go on walks with, out to eat with, home with and adventure with. My most trusted partner in crime became my hearts biggest enemy in a matter of five minutes and that has been the hardest part to deal with.

You lose so much more than just your boyfriend, you lose his family. I don’t know if you loved/hated them but it’s so much worse when you feel like you found a home where he calls home. You created memories, jokes and plans with them and the most unfair part of a break up is you can’t say goodbye to people that never had a say in the matter. You just have to be sad and close all of the doors yourself. It’s all just so difficult.

6. Relationships REQUIRE two people to fight for each other. There is no such thing as an easy relationship… to a point. Those of us who are fighters will never understand how someone can just give up. At first, a relationship is so easy. You’re in love and they’re perfect and it’s not until the honeymoon phase fades that you realize you are actually required to work for a great relationship.

Simply put, some people just are not ready. Maybe “not ready” is what scared people say. Honestly, they will never be ready. No one is ever ready for anything. We’ll always be scared. You just do and you make it happen if you believe in what you have. If you aren’t leaving your comfort zone, you’ll never see how great something can be.

Then again, timing can be important. Maybe you’re on different paths or in different points in your life and it’s important to recognize that.

7. You will always have these insane notions (for a while) that they will turn around, realize how incredibly amazing you are (which you ARE) and decide they want to fight for love now. I don’t know when these daydreams will stop happening but I still have them if I’m being completely honest. This is the part that kills us. HOPE. The whole “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”. Kind of true but I believe someone has to decide that they want it to happen and then they set it in motion.

We wonder if that was the last time you will ever see them again or if you’ll ever bump into each other down the road and maybe even rekindle a love that is willing and timely. We still imagine them in our future because it is a dream we had for so long that we didn’t even choose to end. We even say to each other “see you later” because it’s easier than saying goodbye to someone who was a big part of your life for a while.

John Green says it perfectly in “Paper Towns”.

It is saying these things that keeps us from falling apart. And maybe by imagining these futures we can make them real, and maybe not, but either way we must imagine them. I stand in the parking lot… and here is this girl I love and cannot follow. I hope this is the hero’s errand because not following her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I keep thinking she will get in the car, but she doesn’t, and she finally turns around to me and I see her soaked eyes. The physical space between us evaporates. After we kiss, our foreheads touch as we stare at each other. Yes, I can see her almost perfectly in this cracked darkness. 

We want so badly to hold on to those final moments so we can let go of the person attached to them.

8. There’s not an expiration date on pain. We feel so many emotions: pain, rejection, hope, excitement, relief, guilt, etc. That sometimes all we feel is absolutely nothing. Numbed by an overwhelming amount of emotion. For every person it takes a different amount of time. Just know that as long as you’re pushing yourself to move forward, you can take as long as you need.

9. I learned what it was like to be in love. We know what love is (maybe) and I know I was in it. I loved so much, felt so deeply and cared so passionately about another human being. I can’t imagine what it will feel like when someone is ready to feel that way about me, regardless of fear and hesitations. I found a love that could have lasted a lifetime and I hope to fall in love with another best friend. I am so incredibly hopeful for the future.

10. You slowly move on, but you DO move on. I never thought I could confidently say that. We will always be touchy about the subject but what are we supposed to do? Dwell every day and never open up again? No. I will open my heart bigger and better than before. I’ve moved forward and am becoming a much stronger person after it all.

I almost wish I could say a huge thank you for the person I became because of him. I had an incredible journey that pushed me to be a person I’m really starting to like. I just wish I didn’t have to go through so much pain to get here. We all want love so bad, that we put ourselves through hell just in the hopes that one day it will all be worth it. For now, we just have to leave everything behind.

It is so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world. –John Green

I sure hope so Mr. Green. I really do.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

Breathe: Travel Will Heal You

Whether you’re going through a loss, heartache or bad times, travel can heal you.

I’m not advocating that you run away from your problems because that won’t make a trip worth while but escaping the environment you’re in might just be exactly what you need to heal.

Maybe you need fresh air, ocean waves washing your worries away and new faces.  A place that will be kind to you when you need gentleness.

When the world is horrible to you, surrender yourself to it’s uncertainty.

Let the trees wave hello and the ocean lift you up. Let the crisp air fill your lungs and give you a new energy.

Breathe.

Let yourself find what is important to you again. Discover what makes you happy, what you value and where you will go from here.

Breathe.

Let the clouds shelter you from pain and the mountains hide your worries. Let the grass tickle your feet and the wind take away the negative thoughts running through your brain.

Breathe.

Maybe time away is exactly what you need to find yourself again. You can process the changes life threw at you and understand what happens now.

It will be a way to heal yourself and to throw yourself into a place you don’t know so well. All so you can heal.

A place to let it all go.

Anger, fear, confusion, weakness, doubt, sadness.

Let it go.

And breathe.

Until Tomorrow,

Anna Marie