This is What Strength Looks Like

Strength

Strength is tear soaked pillows and piles of crinkled tissue.

It’s hot tea filling up empty hands and warming up a heart gone cold.

Strength is taking a bite when you want to waste away.

It’s saying hello after the hardest goodbye.

Strength is good days and terribly awful minutes.

It’s writing a song or painting canvases full of splattered heart beats and memories.

Strength is pulling yourself out of the warmth of a blanket cocoon.

It’s peeling your heart off the sidewalk after an earth shattering quake.

The pieces will never fit back together but they remember the familiarity of what used to be there.

And you change.

Strength is saying yes to new adventures and fighting for everything you believe in.

It is loud and boastful or quietly accumulating.

It withers and swells each day.

Strength is feeling something so deeply it drowns you.

Strength is floating up from the abyss.

It is answering questions you’re scared of and letting someone hold your heart with their bare hands.

It is loving a place you’ve never been and leaving behind everything you know.

Strength is adventuring into the world.

It is embracing strangers.

It is curiosity for something beyond ourselves.

Strength is trusting yourself.

It is trusting others.

It is holding up those who are struggling to move forward and carrying on with them.

It is never forgetting the people who made you love.

It is always loving those who have made you who you are.

Strength is creating a better person when the air is filled with temptation.

It is forgiving when surrounded by betrayal.

Strength is constantly giving away kindness.

It is letting go and holding on and fighting in between.

Strength is forks in the road and lonely trails.

It is loving yourself and becoming your own friend.

It is acceptance.

It is fear.

Strength looks a lot like the reflection in the mirror.

Strength is YOU

– Anna Marie ūüôā

P.S. This is dedicated to the ones I love who are struggling a little more than others today. We have good days and bad days when dealing with pain but as long as you are surrounded by love you will shine. I’ve been there and some days I’m¬†still¬†there but you always have to look forward to what might happen next with a big smile and an open heart. It’s easiest when you do what you love and forgive what you can’t control. You are STRONG!

All of my love.

For When You Are Just Tired…

This post was inspired by the beautiful article from Elite Daily and the link can be found in the P.S. at the bottom of the post.

I’M TIRED.

Just thinking of words to say makes me feel like I’m mustering up a kind of energy I can barely spare. I’m not just the kind of tired that drags your eyelids closed and whisks you into sleepland.

I’m tired, in all honesty, in every single form. My brain cannot process the knowledge I need to learn. My emotions are so exhausted from being in overdrive that sometimes I can barely feel anything at all. I’m physically drained from sleepless nights that are consumed by racing thoughts that won’t let me sink into the pillow quite as much as I crave.

So when I read the a fore mentioned article, I had the most confusing sense of understanding. Oh,¬†I thought,¬†I am not weak, I’m tired.¬†Every word was applauded by the beating of my heart and each sentence whispered straight to my soul.

The state of tired I’m in is because of the most difficult changes I have been putting myself through. If I’m tired, it’s because I’m moving. Maybe not as fast as I’d like to, but even a glacial crawl is putting me closer to where I want to be.

And everything made sense to me.

I’m exhausted because I’m transforming. I’m¬†making new routines, trying new things and exploring new dreams. I am creating a new me and it is¬†an extremely overwhelming amount of effort.

My patience is thin and my hope is at an all time low and it wasn’t until last night that I looked at myself in the mirror and asked my reflection “Do you see how far you’ve come?”

Because I hadn’t until that moment.

I hadn’t realized the thousands of miles I have trekked or the wounds that I’ve been tending to. I didn’t realize the fight I have been unconsciously ¬†participating in every day or the power behind my footsteps. I am truly transforming.

Transforming yourself isn’t easy my friends and it sure as hell doesn’t happen in one day. But one day I woke up and realized that I could be anyone I wanted to be and I realized how important my choices were. So I began a new journey.

So, I’m tired. I’m tired of battling to be this person but I am so unbelievably proud of myself for the challenges I’ve willingly faced to turn into someone I can give self-love to.

It’s okay to be tired, as long as you keep fighting.¬†

Growing is never easy but that’s why only the strongest people survive.¬†

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie

P.S.¬†Elite Daily: Read This When You’re Tired of Everything

Independence to Commitment

I consider myself a strong person. I have fought battles I wouldn’t wish on the crappiest people and overcome struggles someone my age shouldn’t have had to fight.

This has lead me to be quite independent. As soon as I turned 18, I have done everything in my power to be completely independent from my parents. I have supported myself through college on a budget I stick to. I have started traveling the world with money I have scraped together from working part-time jobs just above minimum wage.

So yes, I am a strong and independent woman who has grown and continues to spring from the earth below my feet. 

And I will always be that person.

The type of person I am can really attract all sorts of men into my life but I have noticed that when I am in a relationship, I get complimented for my strength and independence in my life.

But see, when I am in a relationship, this gets tricky. Independence… to commitment.

The independence and strength does not disappear by any means but I go through a process that is just a part of myself I cannot change.

I usually go through the stage of fear of letting myself fall for this person but once I trust them with my heart,¬†I’m all in.

If I realize you are someone I could potentially see waking up next to for the next 60 years, I am yours. I am there for you when you need me, I am your best friend, I am your #1 supporter and I will give my all to you. I will give you all of my heart and every single cell in my body will love you. I will fight for you. I will give you what you need and work through anything.

This is where I feel like something goes wrong.

I get so committed to a relationship that the other party either gets freaked out by how committed I am or doesn’t know if they want what I want. It’s not like I don’t have these fears as well but I know they’re normal and that I can work through what they mean.

So if I see this lucky guy in my future, I am 100% ready to be in a fully committed place.

Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? Please, someone tell me if that’s wrong. But aren’t you SUPPOSED to, once you realize they are someone you could marry, commit to them fully and understand that it is a choice you are making to be with them? I don’t care if it’s scary or if you have questioned it. If that person makes you happy and you make them happy, isn’t that a good choice to say YES I like you, I want to work to be yours for a long time?

Because I’m starting to feel like there is something wrong with me when I KNOW I am perfectly unbroken.¬†

I feel like I give and love someone too much in a relationship. I’m not clingy by any means, I love my own time, but I go above and beyond sometimes to be what I feel a good girlfriend should be. I don’t lose myself, I don’t go overboard, I don’t mistreat my own needs… I just try and be the best I can possibly be.

I hate feeling like this is wrong… but I do. I feel like it’s wrong. Like committing that much of yourself is a bad trait now? Loving too much, giving too much… that’s just not what you’re supposed to do in this day in age is it? I don’t know.

In this day and age, commitment is not what it used to be. We date casually and have friends with benefits but it is so rare to see two people actually stick it out for the long run because they love each other and want to work through rough patches.

I’m mad about it.¬†Why should I feel like I am doing something wrong when I swear this is what you should be doing in a relationship? I shouldn’t and it makes me angry. I shouldn’t feel like the one who screwed up but it just makes me feel even worse to know I literally did everything I was supposed to do and it STILL wasn’t¬†right.

In all honesty, I will never stop committing to someone 100% in a relationship because the universe knows I damn well deserve someone who will do the same. Right? Right.

Let’s pause and say quickly, I know not every relationship is meant to be. However, a lot of relationships end when it gets too hard and that is from lack of commitment.

Being a strong, independent person when I’m single and then going to a place where I would do anything for someone sometimes makes me feel weak and much too dependent. The thing is, I don’t lose that strength and independence in a relationship, I just have to find the balance between co-dependence and reliability. Sometimes the balance is off kilter but in a relationship, you fight to find the balance.

We all deserve someone who reciprocates the love we give. It may not always be balanced exactly, but if you two choose to stick it out, you can figure out which makes each side a little too heavy to even out.

I’m independent and strong and shouldn’t feel week for giving 100% commitment to another person.¬†

Neither should you.

Until tomorrow,

Anna Marie